Autumn, which refused to come for so long, has suddenly decided to stay.
Work has calmed down, and I’ve let go of a few things.
There were projects that slightly exceeded my capacity, so I put them aside, quietly and with gratitude.
It was as though to say, “Thank you, maybe we’ll meet again someday.”
And just like that, a small space has opened up in my days.
Space. A word I hadn’t used in a while.
When I open my calendar, the blank days catch my eye.
It used to be packed with rainbow-colored plans.
I sometimes feel tempted to fill it up again,
to meet friends, visit an exhibition,
even suddenly buy a plane ticket somewhere. Perhaps to somewhere abroad.
I can’t make such rash decisions.
I control myself.
I must calm down and wait.
Wasn’t I hoping to slow down a little first?
To brew coffee slowly in the morning,
sweep the floor, hang the laundry without a rush,
and say “good morning” to the plants as I water them.
Then put a record on and let the music fill the air.
It's the “mindful living” I was after.
Even if it’s just play-acting.
That’s what I wanted, wasn’t it?
So now, I’m trying not to rush to fill the white squares on my calendar.
The courage to leave them as they are.
I’ve always been the type who can’t stand blank spaces.
If there’s silence, I start talking;
if plans fall through, I add something right away.
I find it hard to leave these blanks unfilled.
But maybe it’s okay not to fill them.
The time spent doing nothing
is often when something invisible begins to take root.
When I look back, the turning points in my life always came in those quiet, empty times,
when I lost a feeling of belonging somewhere, when plans didn’t work out, or even when I fell out of touch with someone.
I used to panic and try to fill these blank spaces,
but in the end, the best things happened when I simply let them be.
Maybe that’s because it allowed the wind to pass through time,
a gentle wind that prepared me to see a new landscape.
So now I want to practice leaving things blank,
not covering the space with something else.
“Practice” might sound a bit dramatic,
but for someone like me, who always wants to fill the blanks,
it might be the right word.
To practice staying still,
to let the answer take its time.
When my mind feels restless, I find calm by moving my hands.
Oh, that’s right.
Knitting is perfect for moments like this.
Well then, time to cast on something for autumn.